To rewrite your story, is to rewrite your life. It’s that powerful. All the things that you’ve experienced until now, all the emotions and feelings that went along for the ride, created the way you look at your world. These thoughts then created short-indie films or epic dramas that crackle and sputter in the movie theater of your mind.
“We see the world not as it is, but as we are.”
Anais Nin
You are the author of your personal myth, and you hold the capacity to write the life you desire. Living your wildest dreams and expressing your unique purpose? It’s all about creating your beautiful story (…and doing the work).
Your stories run on a constant loop in your mind, even when you aren’t paying attention to them. They help you make sense of your experiences, find your place in the world, define how you relate to others, and ultimately, they dictate who you are and what you’re capable of.
And because story goes around flexing its muscles and bossing you around, it’s vital to pause, investigate and see if it isn’t time to bring out the red pen and edit some of these stories. Not all stories require a ton of effort to rewrite, not all stories need to be rewritten. You certainly have some lovely, supportive stories in your mind as well.
You’ve been blessed with a gorgeous imagination (because you’re human), I’m going to show you how to use your imagination to change negative stories that no longer work for you, into ones that fire you up. When you get caught up in a story that isn’t making your life better, you can rewrite it and tell it from a different perspective. You can ask, “What if, I rewrite this story so that I am the powerful, unique, beautiful hero that I am?”
The Story I Chose to Rewrite
Here’s a personal doozy to show how negative stories are birthed.
I thought it would be so clever. A 14-year-old with little cooking experience shouldn’t try to be clever.
Butter has to soften. Oven has to warm up. Place the butter in the big, green Tupperware bowl, place the bowl in the oven while it heats, just for a moment and it will soften enough to blend into chocolate chip cookie dough.
Unless you forget.
And the butter is liquified, and the bowl melts.
Which is exactly what I did.
This small “mistake” would cost me kitchen-confidence for over thirty years.
Decades of regular teasing solidified my story-role in the family. It became my story. The cover was a green abstract art Tupperware bowl, and the title was something like one of these.
- The Bad Cook
- A Danger in the Kitchen
The Truth of Our Stories
Funny thing is, I’m not a bad cook. I’m experimental, so sometimes it gets messy (in the kitchen and on our tastebuds), but I’m overall a pretty good cook. But it took decades for me to embrace this more inspiring and accurate truth. So how does a confidence-sapping, falsehood survive? In the retelling. The constant replay loop in our brain. And how do they get there?
Some stories exist in the shadow of our cultures, family, and community. They are our birthright and we’ve inherited them. These may or may not be causing us difficulty. Taking some time to tease these stories to the surface for examination is worthwhile.
Most of the stories you tell yourself, though, are based on past experiences and future reading, not the here and now. And people worry too much about the future, and past experiences are…well…probably not true.
It’s been said that only half of what is remembered about an event is actual fact. Ask anyone who has experienced the same event and you’ll hear many different interpretations. But whose version is the truth? And what truth have you used to create your story?
Strong Emotions=Strong Stories
To make matters worse, the stronger the emotion the stronger the memory and the more distorted it becomes. Add a sprinkling of your unique emotional makeup, other past experiences, fresh emotional injuries, then mix that with how you morph and change as time goes on and you have a recipe for an imaginative story that follows you along for most of your life without even realizing it.
Your emotions dictate the story you tell, the story you tell dictates your emotions. And just thinking about a story that has negative emotions, will cause your body to physically have those negative emotions.
Here’s the magic though…the opposite is also true. If you pump your brain with energizing, inspiring, and encouraging stories, you will feel that in your bones.
Because your mind will believe what you tell it, reality and fantasy are equally true. And every time you retell a story, it gets even more ingrained in your mind and becomes even more real.
Writing All the Time
And you are writing stories All. The. Time.
Someone doesn’t return your call, and you tell yourself a story about how they are mad at you or misread something you did, and maybe they never really liked you anyway. You feel like you didn’t give a good presentation, it fell flat, and you believe everyone is wondering how someone so uneducated even managed to get where you are, let alone that you’re going anywhere else but down. You ate a piece of birthday cake because you have no control, are addicted to sugar, will never be healthy anyway so why even bother trying.
It doesn’t take long and you have an entire scenario written about something that didn’t happen and is based on nothing.
And you lug them around all day and night.
Think of Santa’s big, bag o’ toys. Now fill that with all the stories that have haphazardly been written for and about you. Your life is being directed and lived with this load slung over your back. It just gets heavier and heavier with time.
It becomes your identity and your M.O.
But it doesn’t have to! You can get control. You can rewrite your story.
So, whether you are rehashing a false memory, fretting about something that might happen or your brain is murmuring a continual reminder of what you can’t do or achieve, you have the power to change it up.
I don’t live my Bad Cook story anymore. It took some work to rewrite my story, but my life is better for it. Now, though, I’ve learned techniques to recreate my story with more precision, and it works more efficiently and faster.
Is This Bad?
The story that is running on auto in your mind is not necessarily good or bad, right or wrong, true or untrue. (Remember, truth is subjective.) It really doesn’t help to be all judgy about it. Judgement is just another story we create.
As a human, you are programmed to communicate, learn and process through stories. Storytelling is hard-wired in your brain. Life is chaotic and unpredictable. Your brain uses stories to make sense of experiences, catalogue them, relate them to other experiences and emotions, so you can survive and thrive. That’s all. They are important and serve a purpose.
If you are searching for a way to make an aspect of your life better – more productive, more happy, more purposeful – magic will happen if the stories running on loop nourish and nurture you.
Why It’s So Hard to Rewrite Your Story
It’s hard to rewrite your story because you’re human.
Humans are blessed with something called negativity bias. The fact that your brain believes and dwells on negative information over positive input, may have saved our butts when we had to run from tigers, it isn’t so helpful at this stage of humankind. (See the post How Negativity Affects Your Health–The Ugly Truth.) If ten things are going well in your life, you better believe it will be the one thing that’s a struggle that you will dwell on. Continually.
And because humans are also equipped with something called confirmational bias, meaning you cling to information that supports your beliefs rather than refutes them, your beliefs stick. Really stick.
As if you needed another reason for it to be hard…People are attracted to other people who share the same story. So, if you think you are not fit and healthy, you will more naturally hang out with other couch potatoes binging on Schitt’s Creek [1] and Halo Top ice cream on the weekends instead of with a bike club or hiking buddies.
Oh, wait! Here’s another one. You can actually become addicted to the feelings you get when you tell a negative story. Uh huh. It’s the chemical release that goes on in your brain when you complain, that can actually have you craving more to complain about. Ugh!
Why Bother to Rewrite Your Story at All?
Hebb’s Rule states that neurons that fire together wire together. [2] Dr. Joe Dispenza takes it further stating that neurons that no longer fire together no longer wire together. [3]
Once you think a thought, it is easier to think a similar thought. Then the next one gets even easier and so on. So, if you want to change your actions, you change your thoughts. You change the stories creating the thoughts that create the actions. Easy peasy.
Hold on, not so easy. But doable. Absolutely, positively possible. And amazing.
But how do you know if there are stories getting in your way?
How you really know if a story needs to be changed is by how it feels to you. When the story plays in your mind or you say it out loud, do you feel positive and happy and powerful? If you feel down, victimized, or paralyzed then it’s time for a rewrite. If the story creates limits and squashes your potential, or messes with your confidence, actions, and happiness, it’s time for a rewrite.
You may have had a beautiful and great story, such as those surrounding being a mother when your children are young. But life is dynamic and as you grow and circumstances change, children grow up and move out and then you can emphasize something different, then it might be time to consider another story. Nothing is certain except change, so it may simply be time to rewrite.
Sometimes you try on a story for a while and realize that it just didn’t feel right, and you try again with a different story. Once you’ve completed the rewrite process a few times, you’ll start to more easily recognize when it’s time to reconsider your story, and you’ll be able to do simple rewrites on the fly. So powerful!
What You Get from Your Negative Stories
Human beings have basic needs that should be met in order to have a fulfilling life. When you lack any of these needs, you’ll tend to not be your best. Or, depending on the level of scarcity, a mess. [4]
When you look deeply at the negative stories you’ve been telling, you’ll likely see they were created to fill a need. A good reason is always lurking in the shadows of a negative story. In the process of rewriting more empowering stories, your first task is to discover what security or benefit do you get from believing and retelling your story.
Telling these negative stories is also a good way to shift the blame and become a victim instead of owning your own power to change. This feels much easier in the short run, and often is. The problem is it’s so much more difficult in the long run. It just isn’t efficient and usually has the opposite effect of getting you exactly what you don’t want.
Some basic human needs are:
- Love and connection with others
- A feeling of worthiness
- Safety and security
- Adventure
- Respect and recognition
- Support and understanding
- To help others
Stories of unfilled needs could have themes like those below. If you find yourself murmuring any statements that sound like these, this story may be a good place to start.
Watch for these themes:
- I am so afraid to/of…
- I don’t deserve this
- It’s too late to…
- I’m too broken to…
- I’m not worthy enough
- I never have enough…
- I’ll be worthy when…
- This always happens to me
- I can never…
- It’s just too hard
- No matter what I do, I fail
- I need someone else to do it for me
- I’ve always been this way, I can’t change
- I should be punished for…
- I could never do that
- Something is really wrong with me
- I’m not lovable enough
- Nothing in my life goes right
- I’m never a winner
- No one ever stays around
- I can’t find a solution to my problem
- No one notices anything I do
- No one pays attention to me
- I feel so unloved and underappreciated
- I’m just damaged goods
- I can’t learn anything new
Nip any judgement. Be kind. Remember your child self that lives within your middle-of-the-journey self, and give her a gentle squeeze and a huge dose of understanding. Forgive your brain for the negative story, it’s just trying to protect you.
You can even say to yourself, “I needed that story because my need [ ] wasn’t being met. I am lovable and I’m worthy and at one time the story was justifiable, but it just isn’t working anymore. I love myself and I forgive myself.”
One From My Life
Before you take action to rewrite these stories, consider this example from my life.
When I get overwhelmed with all the things I need to get done, a long-standing story comes front and center and threatens to undermine any sense of peace or capability. The story sounds something like this:
No one understands how hard this is. I feel like I have to do everything. All by myself. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m doing everything right now, nothing would get done. It’s too much. I’m drowning. I’ll never finish everything. My house is a disaster, I’m so embarrassed. I never accomplish anything because I’m always running around taking care of everybody and everything. When do I get a break? When do I just get to sit down and do nothing?
If I let this story keep playing, what happens? I start pouting and slamming drawers. (Yup, I’m one of those.) I scowl, which is a super ugly look. Or, I’ll just become paralyzed and sit down with a crunchy, salty, or hefty sweet snack.
Okay, a few things. First, I get a lot of help and my list of responsibilities isn’t really that long compared many and to other times in my life. Second, sitting down and doing nothing for longer than an hour here and there isn’t really my cup of tea. I get bored easily. Which is why I am doing all this stuff. I’m simply being myself by being busy. So, what’s going on here?
This is one of the worst stories I’ve had on replay. I’ve been working to stop it before the train leaves the station. I’ve gotten better by digging for the need that spurred this tirade on.
Sometimes, I just need someone to put their arms around me, tell me I got this, I can do it, and it’s all going to be fine.
I created a mantra from those words. When the flush of overwhelm starts to come up, I pause, take a few good deep diaphragm breaths [5], and repeat this mantra to myself.
I got this. I’m freaking tough and I got this.
You can even take it a step further and imagine someone you love and who loves you, saying this to you. Whispering in your ear, the exact words you need to hear.
Another way to cope with the negative stories is to switch out the negative thinking for a dose of positive thinking. Rewrite stories that bring you down, into stories that will help you soar!
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Wayne Dyer
How to Rewrite Your Story
Dan McAdams PhD, author of The Stories We Live By, explains that people can release themselves from victim mode and into empowerment by retelling their stories of challenge and obstacles as redemptive stories of growth and love.
By reinventing your story using positive words and statements, looking from a fresh perspective of what you’ve learned and what you’re capable of, you will begin to feel a surge of energy and power that was missing.
But this isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, it’s not JUST putting a positive spin on things. It’s about taking back the power to grow and expand from our lives instead of to stagnate. It’s about practicing the truths of our new stories. Taking action!
Just saying you are a healthy eater alone, won’t make the change. You also need to take action and put in the work. Not only making it easier to make healthier food choices, but feeling throughout your entire body and mind that you embrace all the qualities of someone who eats to nourish your body for health and longevity.
If your story is based on an event that happened in the past, you can retell your story in a new light, you are not changing what happened, you are simply changing your perception of what happened. And that will make all the difference.
It’s also not just about taking a negative story and stopping it. For instance, if you want to reduce your stress, it’s about the story you tell yourself about your stress – where it comes from and what it does to you. And when you rewrite this story, you don’t focus on just reducing stress, you write a story that increases your gratitude.
Start Your Rewrite
If I rewrite my overwhelm story I mentioned above, I’ll rewrite it in a way that focuses on the gratitude of having a home I love and feel safe and comfortable in, where the animals I care for bring me so much love and entertainment, I’ll appreciate my clothes that fit my body and my personality, my body for the ability to take care of all the things I enjoy and treasure, and how cooking nourishing yummy food for my family is one of the most gratifying ways I can show love for them.
What is one thing that you would like to change? One aspect of your life that you would like to see flourish? Download the Rewriting Your Story pdf here, and let’s get started! (You can download and copy as many times as you want for as many stories as you want to rewrite.)
Remember this isn’t about labeling things good or bad, it’s about changing the things you want to change. Only you can decide if the effort is worth it. You don’t have to change any of your stories if you don’t want to. It’s up to you. Because you are the one who will have to get your boots dirty.
Ta-Da!
The story you tell yourself is true. Regardless of what it is. So, change it if you want. It will still be true. As you pay attention to the narrator in your mind, you will be able to rewrite stories that nourish you.
You are the protagonist and the author. Write yourself as the hero. Write your story as a powerful, radiant being you are.
Regularly, reassess and investigate the stories you tell yourself to see if you’re creating stuck places. Take time to explore what’s going on in your mind. Take time to reflect on the positive stories that leave you feeling happy or uplifted to relish in your good life.
Be deliberate in how you want to live in the world. Remember that the more you replay a story, the more life you breathe into it. Now, go write the life you want!
Do you recognize any negative stories in your life that are keeping you from your best and highest self? After you walk through the inquiries in the PDF, do you have a new powerful story to retell? Share with us what you’ve discovered!
[1] OMG! I’m a huge Schitt’s Creek fan and binging on the show is totally worthwhile!
[3] https://blog.drjoedispenza.com/the-art-of-change
[4] Please, please, please talk to a professional in person if you’re hurting deeply. While this advice is true and helpful, it is always important to have someone who can support you by knowing you personally.
[5] https://thesaltedmoon.com/diaphragm-breathing-for-health-longevity/
